ENTRY 13: REPRIEVE

Woke up this morning and actually felt like I slept for the first time in a while. I didn’t have any vivid dreams or wake up every couple hours staring at the ceiling. I was just… out.

The room was quiet when I opened my eyes and I just lay there listening to the pipes hiss in the walls for a few minutes to get my thoughts straight. As soon as the loud-as-fuck alarm blared my jaw started to throb from that tooth. 

I got up, got dressed and hit the bathroom before anyone else and then got in line for breakfast. Same bullshit as every other day. Creep face Roberts was handing out those thick protein shakes that taste like chalk and vitamins in little paper cups. I forced mine down and sat across from Randy. He looked better than he has since everything went sideways with Chester. More like himself.

“Man, I slept like the fucking dead last night,” he said, stretching his neck out. “Hot shower before bed and I was gone. I’m telling you, Jake, shower-power fixes everything.”

“You’ve been out of it,” I said. “Good to see you talking again.”

Randy grabbed his chin with one hand and squeezed his shake box with the other and looked right at me when he talked.

“Been having these fucked up nightmares,” he said. “Don’t even know what they’re about half the time. And after whatever they put in me the other day… it’s been a long fucking crawl back, you know what I mean? Keep thinking about my wife back home. What she might be doing or screwing around with. If she’s even still there.” He paused. “Scared to think about it. Scared to go back too.”

“Doesn’t sound like things are good with her,” I said. “No offense.”

Randy let out a short breath and downed the rest of his shake. Wiped his mouth with the back of his arm.

“I feel like she’s dead to me. And I’m dead to her. I don’t know.” His eyes flared and he slammed his fist down on the table harder than he needed to. “Me and her hit a place that we never should have. I feel like I was blacked out before I got here. Like everything was a giant unfixable mess and I was just walking through it without really being there. I feel… sort of alright now. But I also feel like I could snap and lose my shit. Part of me just wants to stop existing. I don’t fucking know.”

I nodded and said, “Hang in there, man,” but the way he was talking had me on edge. It reminded me of my mom when she was drinking. One day she’d be all sweet and telling me she loved me, and the next she’d be smashing shit and screaming about every mistake she ever made. I spent half my life walking on eggshells around her. Now Randy was making me feel the same way.

After breakfast they walked us down to the dosing room. I was still half out of it, like my head was lagging behind the rest of me. We got strapped in like usual. Most people went under fast once they got the dose. A few of us stayed awake though, me, Emily, Chuck, Walter, and Kyle.

Emily sat across from me, blonde hair up in a ponytail. Her head kept dipping forward a little before she’d catch herself and straighten up again. I watched her for a second before I said anything.

“You doing better?” I asked.

She let out a short breath and shook her head.

“I don’t know,” she said quietly. “I’m starting to wonder if this is even really happening.” She hesitated. “It’s like... this crazy dream I can’t wake up from.”

Before I could say anything back, Kyle made this weird half-grunt, half-word noise. His head was bobbing up off the headrest.

Jeff caught it first and turned toward him.

“Kyle? Hey, man. You with us?”

Kyle’s eyes fluttered open. It took him a second to focus. When he finally spoke, his voice came out slow and uneven.

“Yep...” he said. Then after a moment he added, quieter, “But I was… somewhere else. Just now. I don’t know how long I was gone.”

Jeff frowned. “What do you mean, gone?”

Kyle blinked hard, like he was trying to hold onto something that kept slipping.

“I keep… falling back,” he said. “Into other places. Other times. I was someone else. I don’t know who. But I was there. And now I’m here but I’m not… all here.” He swallowed. “Talking feels hard.”

Walter spoke up from a few chairs over on the right, his thick glasses sitting crooked on his face. He looked even skinnier than usual in that chair, with his messy gray hair sticking out in every direction.

“I know what you’re feelin’,” he said. “I been seein’ things too. Close my eyes and I’m somewhere else. Another body. Another life. I see faces I don’t know, but I know what they done. What I done.” He paused. “Don’t lean on your own understandin’. The Lord’s ways ain’t ours to figure out.”

Kyle turned his head toward Walter, slow as hell, like it took everything he had just to get it there. His black hair fell over one eye and he didn’t even push it back. When he finally got it there, his voice came out low and thick, but for a second I heard the old Kyle underneath.

“What do you mean, other lives?” he asked. “I thought you believed in the Bible. Didn’t God only make one life?”

Walter didn’t yell. He just watched Kyle through those thick glasses, his face not moving much.

“I know what the Good Book says,” he answered. “It’s appointed unto man once to die, and after that the judgment. But I also know what I’ve been seein’ when I close my eyes. Faces. Lives. Things I shouldn’t know nothin’ about.” He paused. “The enemy can twist what’s real, boy. He can make a man believe he’s seein’ truth when it’s just a lie wearin’ a familiar face. That’s why we test the spirits. That’s why we don’t lean on our own understandin’.”

He looked around at the rest of us before finishing.

“Either way, we’re all being tested in here. There ain't no placebo pills. This stuffs in all of us.”

I felt something twist in my gut.

“They told us half of us would be on dummy pills,” I said. “Not everyone’s getting the real thing.”

Walter let out a short, quiet laugh.

“Wake up, Jake. Look around.”

I turned my head toward Chuck.

“Bullshit right? What about you?” I asked. “You been feeling anything weird yet?”

Chuck didn’t answer right away. He just sat there with that same steady look, like he was deciding how much he wanted to say.

“I’m fine,” he said finally.

I knew he wasn't saying something.

“What about Amanda? She say anything to you?”

Chuck’s eyes flicked over to where she was slumped in her chair, already under from the dose. He stared at her for a hard second before looking back at me. His jaw tightened.

“Something happened last night,” he said. “During dinner. She just… went somewhere. Spaced out for a good thirty seconds. When she came back, she was shaking. Couldn’t catch her breath. Looked at me like she didn’t even know who I was at first.”

I had to ask. “What the hell happened?”

Chuck swallowed hard and gazed at the ceiling when he spoke.

“I don't really understand it. She said she was suddenly on some old wooden boat in the middle of the ocean. She could smell the salty air and feel the wind. The people on there with her were dressed like it was two hundred years ago. She said she was herself, but… not. Different body, different hair. And there was this massive wave crashing down on them. Said she could feel the boat breaking apart under her feet. Said she knew she was gonna die.”

He paused.

“Freaked me out a little bit, man and I don’t scare easy. But whatever that was… it shook her bad. She made me promise not to say anything. Told me it was probably just the drug messing with her head.”

I didn’t say anything for a second. My jaw locked up and that tooth started throbbing harder.

It's true... we’re all on this formula 35C shit.

Even the ones who still look normal and aren’t talking about it. It’s already in them, fucking us up in different ways. My mind immediately recalled Michael screaming Diablo! and it made me wonder the horror show he was seeing that we couldn't.
​
I looked back over at Kyle. His head slowly dropped forward again. His mouth was still moving a little, like he was trying to say something, but nothing came out.

I looked over at Emily. She was already watching me. Neither of us said a word, but I could tell we were both thinking the same thing.

Whatever was happening in this place was getting worse. Fast.

After the dose, they didn’t send us back to the common room like usual. They walked us back to the part of the building we started off in on day one. Down there the air felt colder, and the floors were cleaner. It reminded me that there was an actual exit to this place.

Without any warning at all, they had us retake all the physical and mental tests from orientation day. The mental stuff was easier this time. The memory games didn’t trip me up as bad. My head felt clearer, like I could actually focus for once.

The physical test was even more obvious. Last time I was on that treadmill, I was coughing and wheezing like I had tar in my lungs. This time I still got tired, but I could actually breathe and went on for almost twenty minutes. It felt like my body was working better than it should’ve been.

Once the tests were done, they sat us down one by one and made us watch some thirty-minute video on a projector. It was supposed to be a newsreel, but it was mostly just weird commercials mixed in with clips about wars and politicians screaming at each other. The political shit was annoying as hell. Left and right yelling about how the other side was destroying the country. I tuned most of it out.

The commercials were what stuck with me.

There was one for some depression medication where this guy was smiling and playing with his kids while the voiceover listed off side effects like it was no big deal. “May cause suicidal thoughts, severe mood swings, and in some cases, permanent personality changes.” The guy just kept smiling the whole time.

Another one was for a bank. Some slick asshole in a suit talking about “securing your family’s future” while showing happy families in big houses. Then there were a couple for frozen food brands with these stupid catchy jingles that got stuck in my head immediately. One kept saying “Real food for real people” like it actually meant something.

When it was my turn to talk to Dr. Nelson, he had my test results sitting on the desk.

“Your scores are noticeably better than they were on day one,” he said, tapping the paper. “Especially the cognitive ones. Quite a difference.”

I shrugged. “Mental stuff was easier. Didn’t feel like my brain was fighting me the whole time.”

He nodded slowly. “And physically?”

“Lungs feel better,” I said. “Guess not smoking for over a week is finally doing something.”

Nelson was quiet for a moment. He looked like he had something on his mind but wasn’t sure if he should say it.

I decided to push.

“That video they made us watch,” I said. “What the hell was that supposed to be?”

He glanced at me. “What did you think of it?”

“I don’t know. Seemed a little fucking weird. What the hell you make us watch that for?”

“Just to get reactions. Nothing more,” he said, but couldn’t seem to look me in the eyes.

Bullshit. I kept going.

“Also,” I said, “what’s the status on Michael? And Stephanie? Are they okay?”

Nelson’s eyes widened for a split second before he caught himself. But I saw it. He looked almost scared.

I leaned forward.

“You want to tell me something, Doc?”

“Jake--” he started, but I cut him off.

“No, seriously. What the fuck is going on? Michael dug his own fucking eyes out and was screaming like he was being murdered. Stephanie disappeared. Chester got dragged out on a stretcher. And now Kyle’s talking about getting stuck in past lives. You guys just keep acting like everything’s fine.”

Nelson wiped the sweat off his forehead, then lowered his voice.

“I’ve been reading your entries,” he said quietly.

That caught me off guard.

“Yeah?”

He nodded. “You’re the most cogent detailer of what’s been happening here and a lot of what you say and hypothesize is near the mark.”

I stared at him. “So what? You wanted honesty, right?”

“I do,” he said. “But there’s a difference between being honest and asking the wrong questions at the wrong time.” He paused, then added, “Just get through the trial, Jake. Keep your head down. Write what you need to write. But don’t dig too deep.”

I felt my stomach tighten.

“What does that mean?”

Nelson looked at me for a long moment. His eyes were wide and bloodshot like he hadn’t slept in days.

“It means some answers are more dangerous than the questions,” he said. “Focus on getting to the end. That’s what you need to do.”

I wanted to ask more, but this fucking toothache was killing me. I rubbed my jaw without thinking about it.

“Hey,” I said. “My tooth’s throbbing pretty bad. You got any more of that ibuprofen?”

Nelson glanced at me, then looked back down at the folder.

“I gave you some a few days ago. You’re taking too many,” he said.

“Yeah, and it barely touched it. It’s getting worse. Can you give me something stronger?”

He let out a small sigh, clearly agitated with me at this point.

“Ibuprofen is all I can give you right now, Jake. Anything stronger isn’t protocol.”

I leaned back in the chair.

“Protocol,” I repeated. “Right. So I’m just supposed to sit here with my face on fire while you guys run your tests?”

Nelson didn’t answer right away. He looked at me like he was trying to decide how much patience he had left.

“I can give you a few more tablets,” he said finally. “But that’s it.”

I stared at him for a second.

“Thanks,” I said. Then after a second I added, “Can we get a dentist in here?”

Nelson’s mouth tightened. He looked at the door again, then back at me.

“I’ll see what I can do,” he said quietly.

He closed my folder and stood up.

“Get back to it,” he said. “Tomorrow’s another day.”

Then he walked out, leaving me sitting there with more questions than answers.

After lunch, most of us ended up back in the common room. For the first time in days, the place actually felt alive. People were talking, laughing, playing cards. Randy was telling some story and waving his hands around. Emily was sitting with Lynette on one of the couches. Even Chuck looked more relaxed than usual.

Rudy was sitting at one of the tables shuffling a deck of cards. That was weird. He usually kept to himself on his shitty chair, but today he was right in the middle of everything. Somebody asked him what he was in prison for. Rudy didn’t even look up from the cards.

“Murdered my parents,” he said, then smiled like it was a joke.

A couple guys laughed. I didn’t. I caught the look in his eyes when he said it. There was nothing funny in there. It didn’t matter to the others, they just kept talking like everything was normal.

I wish shit was normal. I wanted to just, for once, be positive and see the bright side.

But as I sat there, I kept hearing that commercial in my head. The calm voice listing off side effects while the guy smiled and played with his kids.

“May cause suicidal thoughts, severe mood swings, and in some cases, permanent personality changes.”

I looked around the room and saw things in slow motion. People were laughing and talking like everything was fine. And the longer I sat there, the more that voice kept repeating. It felt like I was watching something fake. Like everyone was pretending while something was quietly rotting underneath.

Kyle was sitting by himself near the bookshelf again, rocking slightly. That same blank look on his face. Every now and then his mouth would move like he was chewing on some invisible object.

Crazy Ben noticed him.

At first it seemed like he was just fucking around. He walked over with a cocky smirk and stood over him.

“Kyyyyyyle, my man,” Ben said loud enough for half the room to hear. “What the fuck is going on with you lately? You used to be weird, but now you’re like… next level. You look like someone unplugged you halfway through an update.”

A few people chuckled.

Ben looked around the room with a big grin, feeding off it.

“I mean, seriously. You used to at least try to keep up with conversations. Now you just sit there with your mouth open like you’re buffering. What’s next, man? You gonna start drooling and asking people if they want fries with that?”

More laughter. Even Randy smiled a little.

But Ben wasn’t done. His tone started shifting.

“Honestly though,” he said, tilting his head. “It’s kinda impressive how fast you went downhill. Most people take years to lose their minds. You’re out here speedrunning it. What’s your secret? You praying to Satan or something? Or did you finally realize how fucked we all are and your brain just said ‘nah, I’m out’?”

The laughter started to die down.

Rudy was still at the card table, slowly shuffling. He didn't say anything, but he was zoned in on it. When Ben made that crack about Satan, Rudy let out a short, quiet laugh, like he was enjoying watching something break.

Amanda shot Ben a look from the couch.

“Ben, knock it off,” she said. “He’s not doing anything to you.”

Ben didn’t even glance at her. He leaned in closer to Kyle, still smiling, but there was something uglier behind it now.

“Seriously though, Mr. Aleister Crowley boy... You gonna be able to wipe your own ass by the end of this, or are we gonna have to start taking turns? ‘Cause I gotta be honest, I didn’t sign up to be a fucking nurse.”

A couple people laughed uncomfortably. Most stayed quiet.

Kyle slowly looked up at him. His brown eyes were glassy, unfocused. It took him a few seconds to even register that Ben was standing there. When he finally spoke, his voice came out low and distant.

“…I was someone else,” he mumbled. “I think… I think I was someone bad.”

Ben stared at him for a second, then let out a short, cold laugh.

“Yeah? Well right now you’re just bad at talking. So maybe focus on that.”

He turned and looked around at the rest of us like he was expecting more laughs. When he didn’t get them, his smile faded into something else.

“What?” he said. “I’m just saying what everyone’s thinking. Look at him!”

No one made a sound, all I could hear was the buzzing of the lights and that light elevator music they play round the clock.

I felt that sinking feeling in my stomach get worse. I glanced over at Emily. She was staring at Ben with pure disgust. Lynette had her arms crossed and was shaking her head. Even Randy wasn’t smiling anymore.

Ben looked back down at Kyle for a second, then back up at the rest of us.

“Anyway,” he said, with a wide grin. “Enjoy the show.” And then he bowed.

Then he turned and walked off toward the card table, humming something under his breath like nothing had happened.

Kyle just sat there, staring at the floor. His mouth was still moving a little, like he was trying to catch up.

I looked around the room again. People had gone back to talking, but it felt different now. Forced. The laughter from earlier was gone.

And that commercial kept playing in my head.

“May cause suicidal thoughts, severe mood swings, and in some cases, permanent personality changes.”

It’s pretty fucking clear that both Ben and Kyle are fucked up.

And I had a feeling it was only going to get worse.

After dinner I went and took a shower. The water was hotter than usual, and I stood under it longer than I needed to, letting it beat against the back of my neck while steam filled the room. When I finally stepped out and started drying off, I noticed Frank standing at one of the sinks.

He wasn’t wearing his glasses.

He was staring at his reflection like he was looking at someone else. His posture was straighter, more solid. He didn’t look nervous or twitchy like he had during the first few days. He looked settled. Like whatever was happening in here had already happened to him, and he’d made peace with it.

I finished drying off and walked over to the sink next to him.

“You doing alright?” I asked.

Frank didn’t answer right away. He just kept looking at himself in the mirror for a few more seconds before finally turning his head toward me.

“You’re starting to feel it, aren’t you?” he said quietly.

I frowned. “Feel what?”

He studied me for a moment, like he was deciding how much to say.

“This place isn’t what they told us it was,” he said. “And neither is the drug.”

Something about his confidence made my chest feel tight.

“What are you talking about?”

Frank glanced toward the door, then lowered his voice even more.

“Most of us aren’t getting out of here, Jake. Not unless we find a way to leave before it’s too late.”

I stared at him. For a second I thought he was joking, but his face was completely serious.

“That’s bullshit,” I said. “There’s no way they’d let that happen. They’d have the cops, the feds, everyone all over this place if people started dying in here.”

Frank gave me a small, crooked smile. It wasn’t a happy smile. It was the kind of smile someone gives when they already know how the story ends.

“You still think this is a normal drug trial,” he said. “That’s why you don’t see it yet.”

I got pissed.

“See what?”

Frank didn’t argue with me. He just kept that same calm expression on his face.

“I guess you’re not quite there yet,” he said. “But you will be. Hopefully not when it’s too late.”

I took a step closer to him.

“Frank, what the hell are you talking about? If you know something, just fucking say it.”

For a second, I thought he might actually tell me. His eyes flicked toward the door again, like he was making sure no one was coming. But then he just shook his head slightly.

“Good luck, Jake.”

That was it.

He turned and walked out of the bathroom without another word, leaving me standing there half-dressed with water still dripping from my hair.

I stayed there for a long time after he left, staring at the spot where he’d been standing. My heart was beating harder than it should’ve been. I tried to tell myself he was just losing it like Kyle, that whatever was happening to his head had finally caught up with him. But something about the way he said it… it didn’t feel crazy. It felt like he knew something.

I kept thinking about what Nelson said too. About how I was asking too many questions. About how some answers were more dangerous than the questions. And now Frank was saying most of us weren’t getting out of here alive unless we found a way out. What the fuck does that even mean? There’s no way out of this place. I’ve seen the doors, the keypads, the guards. We’re in the middle of nowhere in the dead of winter. So what the hell is he talking about?

I didn’t go back to my room right away. I just stood there in the dark bathroom listening to the showers drip, trying to shake the feeling that something had shifted. Like I was missing something right in front of me.

Amanda, Walter, and Kyle all talking about past lives and all kinds of crazy shit… I don’t know what the fuck’s going on anymore.

But I have a bad feeling I’m gonna find out.

—Jake

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