ENTRY 17: TEN MORE SECONDS

It’s late as fuck and I’m going through some serious shit, Dr. Nelson. I haven’t cried since I was a kid, but after today I feel like I might start.

Randy killed himself today.

I’ll be right back.

Back.

Fuck, man. I’m really screwed up about it. Let me try again.

It’s day 11 and only 11 of us are still here. I’ve made $3300 so far. Not that I give a shit about it right now.

I need to write all this shit down before my head splits open.

So here goes…

This morning I woke up to my jaw hurting. The tooth is gone but the pain from the extraction is still raw. I took some ibuprofen, did my morning routine slow as shit, and went to the common room late and missed the protein drink breakfast. I was still thinking about those dreams from last night, but that all got pushed aside pretty fast when I noticed Randy was back to his typical dazed and confused self.

I walked up to him just before dosing time. He was staring at the floor and didn’t even notice I was standing there. I put my hand on his shoulder. I don’t know why. Something about him felt wrong in a way that pulled me in. I said his name a few times and he didn’t really respond. Just looked at me like he didn’t have a fucking clue who I was.

I honestly don’t know how to explain this next part. I’m writing this, Dr. Nelson, because something is fucking weird inside my brain and I can’t figure out what happened this morning. I’ll try, but it still doesn’t make sense in my head.

I somehow… “connected” with Randy this morning. When I say connected, I mean I got into his head. For a few seconds I felt like I was him, looking at his life, his mind, and all the dark shit he had going on.

It wasn’t my imagination. It was like someone jammed a whole fucking movie into my skull at once. Quick bright flashes. A car at night. The strong stench of whiskey. A woman screaming in the passenger seat. Kids crying in the back. A man in the middle of them trying to hold them still. I felt myself speeding down an old road at night, enraged, and then this big fucking tree right there in the headlights.

Everything slowed down. The impact of the car slamming into the tree. Metal folding in toward me. Glass bits floating past. Blood and screams. Then time sped up hard. A woman’s body being dragged across the seats and shoved behind the wheel. Dark night. A half-moon stuck behind the clouds. The whole thing hit me so hard I almost fell over.

And Randy felt me seeing it.

I know he did. It was like me and him were seeing it together. I was looking, he was looking at me looking, and watching it himself. Total mindfuck. I felt his thoughts, his emotions, all of it in an instant. His eyes cleared for a second. The vacant look shattered off his face and it was like he could see me for the first time and I too finally saw the real Randy. His mouth started moving.

“I killed them… fuck… I killed all of them…”

I felt something shifting inside him. Like the weight he’d been carrying was starting to lift off his back. The real Randy was surfacing and he’d been gone for God knows how long. I felt exhilarated. We were synced up and even though all the shit inside him was pretty fucked up I couldn’t judge him because, and this is the messed up part, I was experiencing his life as him and he could feel that I was getting it all the exact way it happened. None of the “why” mattered, and just as we were getting deeper into it I felt a ripping sensation tear us apart.

That stupid fucking Waters prick grabbed Randy’s arm and pulled him away.

The connection snapped so hard it felt like someone tore a piece of me clean out. Randy went limp as they forced him into the white room. They dragged him to the chair and got one side strapped down. He was making these deep guttural sounds like a trapped animal. For a brief second he looked over at me with this pleading look in his eyes and I couldn’t help him.

I was forced into my chair and could do nothing but watch as the bear of a man struggled against his captors. Then his free hand shot out and grabbed something from Waters’ coat.

It happened so fast I couldn’t track it at first. I just saw his fist slam into the side of his own neck. Then the blood came and I realized he was holding the pen from Waters’ pocket. I screamed. He drove that pen in over and over. Blood sprayed across his scrubs and poured down his chest in thick sheets. My stomach turned hard. Lynette screamed. Emily screamed right after her. Jeff made this awful choked sound like he couldn’t get air. The rest of us just sat there locked in our chairs, watching it happen, unable to do a single fucking thing.

I feel so sick to my stomach thinking about it right now.

Rudy, that motherfucker, laughed.

He laughed like it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen. Loud and high and completely wrong. Waters slipped in the blood and went down hard and Rudy howled even louder. I wanted to kill him right there.

They dragged Randy out while he was still twitching. Evidently, Amanda went catatonic the second it happened. Her eyes were open, but nobody was home. They dealt with Randy first. By the time they came back for her she was already gone deep. She’s still like that.

I keep replaying the mental connection we had earlier.

I had him. I fucking had him. Whatever that bond was, whatever the hell happened when I touched him, it was working. He was coming back. And Waters yanked him out of reach like it was nothing.

Like Randy was just another body to move.

I hate you, Waters, you fucking prick.

Goddammit. Ten more seconds. Why did I have to be late this morning?!

They pulled Amanda out and cleaned the pool of blood where Randy’s body had been. We were all still strapped in, forced to watch. Then they dosed us anyway. I can’t believe they still fucking dosed us. Lynette was screaming “Let me out! Let me out!” She spit the pill in Roberts’ face and he just kept at it until she swallowed it.

This trial cannot be real. In what universe does something like this happen and they don’t shut the whole thing down on the spot? This is fucking crazy.

Nelson showed up late afternoon looking like he’d been hit by a truck. Face gray, eyes red, hands twitching at his sides. He stood in front of us and tried to keep control of the room.

“Randy White passed away this morning,” he said. “We did everything we could.”

Lynette let out a sharp, ugly laugh. “Passed away? He stabbed himself in the throat while we were all strapped down watching. Don’t be acting like it’s some ordinary shit that just happens.”

Jeff grabbed her wrist. “Lynette—”

“Don’t,” she snapped, shaking him off. “I’m not getting dragged out of here again. But I’m also not going to sit here and listen to this shit like we’re all calm and reasonable.”

Emily’s voice cracked from the couch. “I want to go home. Please. I can’t do this anymore.”

Nelson raised both hands. “No one is leaving. Stopping the doses cold is dangerous. We have a weaning schedule and we are going to follow it.”

Chuck’s voice cut through. “What about Amanda?”

“We’re monitoring her,” Nelson said.

Ben let out a short laugh. “So what’s the score now? How many do we have to lose before you assholes admit this thing is a meat grinder?”

I turned on him. “Shut your fucking mouth, Ben.”

He grinned like an idiot. “What? Too soon?”

Kyle was staring at the floor, rocking slightly. “I should’ve listened to my parents,” he muttered. “They told me not to come here. I should’ve listened…”

Walter’s voice rose over him, rough and broken. “The wages of sin is death… Jesus help us… the wages of sin is death…”

He had fresh gashes all down his arms and the backs of both hands. He kept repeating it, louder each time, until Nelson finally raised his voice.

“That’s enough.”

Somebody asked about the placebo. Nelson gave the same tired answer. Double-blind. Nobody knows who got what. The design stays in place.

Rudy sat through all of it like he was enjoying a private show. His eyes kept drifting over to Emily and staying there too long. He had that predator look that raised all my alarms.

I couldn’t take it.

“Hey,” I said. My voice came out harder than I expected. “Keep your fucking eyes off her.”

Rudy turned his head toward me. For a second the whole room seemed to get quieter. He smiled, small and deliberate, like I’d just confirmed something for him. Then he looked back at Emily like I hadn’t said a word.

Chuck kept glancing toward the hallway like he was waiting for someone to come tell him Amanda was awake. The whole room felt like it was one loud noise away from coming apart.

After Nelson finally left, Frank found me by the bookshelves. He looked like he was in a hurry, stared at me for a long second and said, “Last chance, Jake.”

I blinked at him. “What the hell are you talking about? We’re fucking stuck here, dude.”

Frank just kept staring. His face didn’t change. Finally he said, “You’re on your own then.”

He turned and walked away. That was it.

At the 8 pm muster he never showed.

Waters lost his shit. He made us stand there while they tore the place apart. Common room, testing room, every dorm, the bathrooms, the hallway. They checked every closet and under every cot. Nothing. Frank was just gone.

Waters came straight at me in the middle of it, face red, eyes locked on mine. I gave him a cold and dirty stare.

“What the fuck’s your problem?” he snapped. “You seen the Asian?”

I just kept staring. Didn’t say a word. All I could think about was his hand on Randy’s arm and how hard he ripped him away from me. Waters waited another second, then cursed under his breath and stormed off to keep searching.

I was forced to think about Randy again.

I don’t understand what happened when I touched him. I don’t know how any of that shit got into my head. But I know I was close. I felt him starting to come back.

And I didn’t get the time.

Fuck.

My eyes are burning so bad I can barely see the screen. I need to stop for a second.

Be right back.

Back.

This day just won’t stop with the crazy.

When I was away just now, I opened my door and looked out. Dr. Roberts was standing near Emily’s room in the middle of the fucking night… again. The second he saw me he got this panicked look like he’d been caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing. He glanced away for a second, all guilty, then something must’ve clicked in his head because he forced himself to look back at me with this lame cocky expression like he was trying to play it off.

“What the fuck are you doing outside her room?” I asked.

Roberts cleared his throat. “Checking on her. Protocol.”

“In the middle of the night? Just standing out here like that?”

“It’s my job,” he said. The way he said it sounded rehearsed as hell.

Jeff’s door opened a few rooms down. He stuck his head out looking half-asleep. “What’s going on?”

“Go back inside,” I told him.

Jeff stepped further into the hallway anyway. “Is she okay? Did something else happen?”

Roberts jumped in too fast. “She’s fine. I was just making sure. That’s all.”

I stared at him. That guilty look from a second ago was gone and now he was trying to act like he had every right to be standing outside her door. It was bullshit. I could feel it.

“You’re full of shit,” I said. “You weren’t just checking on her. What the fuck were you really doing out here?”

Roberts’ face tightened up. “Watch your mouth. You’re still a subject in this trial.”

“And you’re still a creep who hangs around outside girls’ rooms at night. Answer the damn question.”

Jeff looked back and forth between us. “Jake…”

Roberts took a step back. “This conversation is over. Go back to your rooms. Both of you.”

He turned and walked off down the hall without another word, moving quick like he couldn’t get away from me fast enough.

I stood there for a second longer, still pissed off.

Then I noticed the door across the hall was cracked open. Rudy’s room. I could see his silhouette standing there in the dark, not moving, just watching the whole thing. Something about the way he was just standing there in the black made me want to vomit. I’m really starting to hate certain people.

The door slowly pulled shut until the latch clicked.

Jeff was still standing in the hallway. “What the hell was that?”

“Go back to bed,” I said.

He didn’t argue, just turned around and went inside.

I stood there alone after that.

I recalled what Walter said awhile back about something dark growing in one of us and it looped in my head. Something that would bring harm to the rest. Maybe the old bastard was right.

And here we are, eleven left. Well… ten if Frank never shows up for the morning muster.

I really can’t figure out how he did it. Just disappeared like that. They tore this whole place apart looking for him and found nothing. One minute he was telling me I was on my own, the next he just vanished.

And Randy…

I had him. I fucking had him.

I was so close.

Ten more seconds and maybe he’d still be here.

I don’t know what the hell is happening to me in this place. I don’t know what happened when I touched him. I don’t know where Frank went. I don’t know what I just felt looking at that door across the hall.

All I know is I was close enough to pull him back.

And I didn’t get the time.
​
—Jake

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