ENTRY 18: INSANE ASYLUM

I barely slept last night.

Every time I closed my eyes I went right back into that moment with Randy. Not the visions. The feeling. That black mass of shit he carried for years dropped into me for a few seconds and I felt like I was the one who did it. Like I killed his family with my own hands.

I was inside another man’s worst moment and I still couldn’t hate him. That part won’t leave me alone. I understood the crazy the same way he did. I could justify it the way his fucked-up mind justified it. But I could also see the full truth, and when I did, we both did. That’s what finally let him feel the regret. Like me being there forced him to look at it straight.

I’ve done fucked-up things too. Hurt people. Chosen the wrong path more times than I can count. Part of me wants to go back through my own shit the same way, but I haven’t yet. Makes me wonder how many people are walking around carrying that kind of weight and just never looking at it. What would someone see if they got inside my head?

I’ll deal with that later.

I’ve been here almost two weeks now. That’s all it’s been. Two weeks and the world I walked in with already feels like something I made up. The money. The debts. The version of me that thought nine grand would fix all my problems. It’s all still out there somewhere, but it doesn’t feel real anymore. What feels real is the empty spot Randy and the others left, and the dwindling spiral I see happening to the people still in here with me.

I’m feeling kind of dazed and confused. Like that old Led Zeppelin song, which is now stuck in my head as I look around this crazy place in the common room. I miss my old music so bad it almost hurts. Real music. Stuff with substance. Instead I have to hear the same light classical shit looping through the speakers until I want to put my fist through the wall. Dr. Nelson, please change the music here, or just turn it off!

I’m typing this with my back against the wall so nobody can see my screen. I probably should’ve stayed in my room. The whole place feels like it’s turning into an institution for the mentally insane.

Speaking of which, fucking crazy Ben is by the water cooler right now talking to himself in different accents, yanking his hair, slapping his own face, and then flopping his hands in front of him. Across the room Kyle, who seems to back to his old self, and Walter are yelling at each other at max volume. Chuck is in the corner staring at the empty spot where Amanda used to sit. Emily is on the couch like someone turned her volume all the way down. Lynette is sitting right next to her clutching the sides of her face like she’s about to have some kind of mental breakdown.

It feels surreal.

“What you looking at, you snide fuckah?” Ben says in a thick British accent, then answers himself meaner. “Don’t you ever talk to me like that, boy. I’ll fuck you up like a taco on Tuesday.”

At the same time Walter is screeching, “You’re infested with demons!” and Kyle is laughing in his face and yelling back, “There is no God, there is no Jesus, just power, you geriatric psycho!”

I’m trying to get it all down and my fingers keep missing keys.

Ben drops to the floor and starts humping the carpet like an animal. Then his voice changes into an old-man-sounding creep, and he screams that he was here before we knew what this planet was for. Whatever the fuck that means...

He sits up fast, face blank, and points his finger straight at me.

“You’re running out of time, Jaaaaake!”

The words hit me like a fucking truck. The lights overhead flicker right as he says it and I jump.

Now he’s laughing at the ceiling like nothing happened.

Jesus Christ, what the fuck was that?

Jeff drops into the chair across from me with two cups of hot chocolate they started leaving out. He hands me one without looking away from Ben.

“He’s fucked,” Jeff says.

“Yeah.”

Across the room Kyle is still going at Walter. “You’ve spent your whole life on your knees for a fairytale. This drug is showing me the truth. There is no God!”

Walter is shaking, spitting Bible verses mixed with broken nonsense. Chuck finally snaps, stomps over, and tells them both to shut the fuck up. Kyle smirks and says something nasty about Amanda. Chuck grabs him by the scrubs and lifts him a full foot off the floor like he weighs nothing.

“You ever disrespect her like that again and I’ll put you in the dirt.”

He holds Kyle there a long second, then drops him on his ass and walks off toward the dorms.

Kyle looks pale as a ghost, like he just shit himself.

I’m looking over at Emily. She barely eats. Barely blinks. Hasn’t said shit to anyone since yesterday. I feel like I have to admit to myself that she’s fucking gorgeous and I'm into her, but it feels wrong to think like that when she’s so messed up. The shape of her face and the softness of her long blonde hair. The way her hands stay locked in her lap. She occupies way too much space in my head right now. I don’t know if it’s the attraction or the need I feel to keep her from disappearing like the others, but it’s getting stronger and I can’t shut it off.

And every single time I look, stupid fuck Rudy is already staring at her.

He doesn’t even try to hide it. His dark brown eyes are fixed on her like he’s counting the hours. I can feel the bad intentions coming off him. Clear as day. Like he’s waiting for something.

Then he lets out one of those long watery farts and never takes his eyes off her.

Jeff notices me watching.

“You see that too, right?”

“Yeah. I don’t like it.”

Jeff takes a sip of the hot chocolate and smirks. “You don’t like it, or you just don’t like anyone else looking at her because you want to tap that?”

“Fuck you. I’m worried about her.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I’m serious, man. First that fucker Roberts was hovering around her room, now this fat fuck won’t stop staring. Something’s wrong with him. I can feel it.”

Jeff raises an eyebrow. “So what are you gonna do, stand outside her door all night like some kind of hallway security?”

I think about it for a second. “That’s not a bad idea.”

Jeff goes quiet, then nods. “Okay then. I’ll take shifts with you if you want.”

I look at him. Really look at him. For the first time since we got here I feel like someone’s actually got my back.

“Alright,” I say. “I'll do first shift tonight. Wake you up at 4am to take over.”

We fist bump low so nobody sees.

He glances at my laptop. “You writing a novel over there?”

“I’m doing my entry in real time.”

“So everything I say is getting recorded?”

“As much as I can.”

He clears his throat. “My name is Jake McCoy and I’m gay.”

I type it and laugh under my breath. “You wish I was.”

But the laugh dies fast. The longer I sit here the more I feel the room starting to spin. Ben is murmuring again. Walter is rocking back and forth and muttering a bunch of incoherent shit. Kyle is back on his feet pacing and laughing to himself. Rudy hasn’t blinked. Waters keeps checking his phone and pacing in front of the bookshelf. Roberts never showed up this morning. Frank is still gone. I haven’t seen Dr. Nelson since yesterday.

Christ, I’m trying to record everything here in the present moment, but I keep coming back to those few seconds inside Randy’s head. If I could do that, what else is possible? Can I see into other people the same way? And if I can, who else in this room might I be able to help out of a jam? I would love to get into Emily’s head and help her get through whatever issues she’s got. But how? When?

It’s getting to be too much. The noise, the staring, the feeling that something is about to break. My chest is tight.

I can’t stay out here.

I’ll pick this up when I’m back in my room.

In my room now.

Tonight I’m taking one of the plastic chairs and putting it outside Emily’s door. If Rudy decides tonight’s the night, he’ll have to step over me first. I don’t know if she’ll even want me out there. I don’t know if she’ll say a word about it. But I’m doing it anyway.

Something is shifting in me. I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with what happened with Randy and I haven’t thought about much else lately. I’m scared though. I’m afraid something bad is going to happen. I’m afraid that Dr. Nelson has lost control of this trial and we’re all fucked.

I don’t know what to think about anything anymore. I’ve got some science books that I’m going to read in the hallway tonight. Reading makes me feel normal, and the fact that I can understand things easier is giving me hope that when this trial is finally over I’ll be able to make something of myself.

But I’ve got to make sure my friends in here are safe so we can all get out in one piece.

I'm gonna take a quick nap and then later tonight I’ll be in the hallway.

We’ll see who else shows up.

—Jake

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