ENTRY 2: INSOMNIA

I can’t sleep…

It’s almost midnight and I’m the only one still awake. I spent the last half hour walking around this place like an idiot before I finally gave up and came back to my room. Everyone else must’ve passed out. I’ve just been lying here staring at the ceiling, listening to the pipes knock in the walls.

The no-smoking rule is fucking with me big time. My hands won’t stop shaking and my head feels like it’s full of goo and static. I haven’t eaten in almost seven hours and my stomach won’t shut up about it. I’ve gone to bed hungry plenty of times these last few months, but this feels different. Meaner.

This place really is like a fucking prison.

My old man’s been locked up since I was thirteen. Guess it runs in the family. He’s spent the last twenty-three years in there because he was good at killing people for the Manzonis. I try not to think about him much, but nights like this make it hard not to.

The layout here sucks and makes me feel like I’m stuck in one of those video games where every door is locked and you can’t figure out how to move forward. From the common room, you can only go down the hallway to the dorms. At the end of that hallway are the bathrooms. The men’s on one side and women’s on the other. That’s it. The two doors in the common room stay locked. One leads deeper into the building where Dr. Nelson’s office is. The other goes to the testing room. That door looks heavier than the rest, and I can feel cold air leaking out from underneath it like it’s refrigerated or something. I can’t wait to see whatever the fuck that is tomorrow.

Every door I’ve seen so far has a keypad and a scanner. I don’t know what the hell they’re so worried about us getting into… or getting out of, but it feels a tad bit fucking overkill for just a simple drug trial.

I went and saw Dr. Nelson earlier. Two security guards walked me down the long hallway like I was being escorted to a cell. They sat me in a small office and told me to wait. I sat there in these stupid white scrubs they made us change into the second we got here.

Nelson finally showed up after about ten minutes. White hair, goatee, lab coat. He sat down, sighed like he was already tired of me, and stared. I stared right back. We sat there in that awkward fucking silence until he finally spoke.

“So, how are you adjusting, Jake?”

“I’m fine,” I lied.

He nodded like he didn’t believe me. “Any questions so far?”

“Yeah. My tooth’s killing me. You got anything for it?”

He reached into his drawer, pulled out a small bottle, and slid it across the desk. “Ibuprofen. That’s the best I can do right now.”

I looked at the bottle, then back at him. “It hurts pretty bad. Nothing stronger?”

He just shook his head. “Not tonight.”

I took two and washed them down with the water he gave me. After a minute, I asked, “Wouldn’t it be nice if I could have a smoke too?”

“No smoking during the trials, Mr. McCoy,” he said flatly.

“Why wasn’t that in the ad?”

Nelson leaned back in his chair. “The compound we’re testing is sensitive. We can’t risk anything interfering with the results.”

“But you just gave me ibuprofen. Won’t that mess with it?”

“Ibuprofen doesn’t affect the brain the same way nicotine does,” he said. “Nicotine directly impacts the chemicals we’re studying. We can’t have that.”

I watched him. “So what the hell is this stuff actually supposed to do?”

He gave a tired smile. “We’re working on a treatment for Alzheimer’s. Memory loss in older adults.”

“Yeah,” I muttered. “Memory wipe-out. But fuck the smokers, right?”

His face tightened. “It targets the memory centers of the brain.”

I studied him for a second. “You’ve seen it up close, haven’t you?”

He cleaned his glasses slowly. “Yes. My father. That’s why I do this.”

He stood up before I could ask anything else. “Get some sleep. Tomorrow’s a big day.”

The guards walked me back in silence. The whole way down that long hallway, I kept thinking about how nobody outside this building even knows I’m here. Vic doesn’t even know I got into this trial. He only told me about the ad. I never told him I actually signed up. When they picked us up, they used windowless vans and drove for over an hour. We could be anywhere.

If something happens to me in here… if I disappear… who the fuck would even come looking?

I’m starting to think I made a very bad decision.

Tomorrow they give us the first dose.

I don’t know what’s going to happen after that.
​
—Jake

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