ENTRY 4: FIRST DOSE

Today really sucked, Dr. Nelson.

I’m wiped out. My head feels heavy as hell, like my brain is drowning in thick mud and every thought has to drag itself through it. It’s slow and draining and the rest of me just wants to shut down.

I barely slept last night. I just lay there in the dark on this shitty cot, tossing and turning while the walls felt like they were closing in. I kept thinking about the money, the debts, the Manzonis, and whatever the hell I actually signed up for. My back and shoulders were knotted so tight I snapped and slammed my fist into the wall. Hard. Thank God the guy on the other side didn’t wake up and bang back.

I finally fell asleep, but then the loudspeakers sounded the alarm and jolted me awake. BRAAAAAAAP! BRAAAAAP! BRAAAAAP! I thought I was gonna have a fucking heart attack. I lay there a second thinking fuck the trial I’m just going call in sick, but the alarm wouldn’t quit, so I dragged my ass up, pulled on the scrubs, and headed for the bathroom. My stomach was already gnawing at itself. No cigarettes for two days means the hunger hits different now. I’ve never craved food so much in my life.

Once I got into the hallway, Dr. Water’s sadistic ass was there screaming at us like we’re in boot camp. “Thirty minutes to the common room! Let’s move!”

I swear the guy gets off on it.

The bathroom already had a bunch of dudes in it. Both showers were running hot spreading steam all over the place and I could see legs under the toilet stall doors so I couldn’t take a piss right away. The mustache military dude, Chuck, and a buck naked and hairy as hell, Randy were already at the sink shaving. The long-haired grunge guy leaned against the wall in nothing but a towel, tapping his thighs nonstop jamming to music only he could hear.

I stepped up to the sink and started brushing my teeth, hoping nobody would talk to me.

No such luck.

Randy turned, water dripping off his chin, and grinned wide. “I’m Randy, nice to fucking meet ya!”

“Jake McCoy,” I muttered around the toothbrush.

A second later the long-haired guy spoke up. “Anybody got a cigarette?”

Mustache dude didn’t even glance over. “Nobody has a cigarette, dumbass. They took all our shit, remember?”

Randy let out a loud donkey laugh. “You don’t need cigarettes, kid. We’re about to take a mystery drug. Hopefully it’s a good high!”

I spit out the toothpaste. “You think this shit’s gonna fry our brains or what?”

Randy’s eyes got even bigger. “That’s what I’m saying! One of us is gonna wake up tomorrow thinking he’s Jesus or some shit. Mark my words.”

While we were talking, somebody in the shower ripped out a loud, rumbling fart that practically shook the walls. Everyone froze, then cracked up.

Randy pointed at the curtain. “Fucking-A, you need to wipe your ass after that or what? Don’t be getting shit on the floor, I’m next in there!”

The shower went quiet. Then a low, gruff voice came from behind the curtain. “Maybe I already did.”

That shut everybody the fuck up real quick.

I didn’t say anything else. I just wanted to finish and get out of there. Randy turned back to me. “You got a wife, Jake?”

“Nope.”

“Smart man,” he said, but the laugh sounded forced. “Mine’s probably pawning all my shit right now. She always said I’d end up in a place like this.”

I just nodded and smiled. Dudes got homelife issues and it sounds to me like he’s got a lot of shit he can write about his wife on the laptop.

I wiped my pits, splashed cold water on my face, took a piss and headed for the door. Fuck a shower. I’ll do it later, I thought.

We all assembled in the common room for breakfast. They rolled in a pushcart with chocolate protein shakes, vitamins, and bottled water. Nothing else.

Randy lost his mind the second he saw it. “What in the flying ass-fuck is this?” he roared, face turning purple. “You call this breakfast?”

Dr. Roberts stood there silent while the assistant handed out the shakes. Randy kept yelling. The blonde girl jumped in right behind him. “He’s right! You can’t expect us to sit here for a month on liquid bullshit!”

A couple of other guys started grumbling too. Randy turned to the quiet Asian guy. “What do you think of this, Frank? I want some goddam bacon and eggs! I bet you want some rice or some shit!”

Frank just shrugged and stared at the floor.

One of the guys with a shitty comb-over sighed and told Randy, “Calm the fuck down, buddy.”

Randy didn’t skip a beat and asked. “You got a name, pal? You look like you sell used cars for a living.”

The guy smirked. “My name’s Chester. And this is what they’re giving us, so calm yourself down and drink up… pal.”

Randy laughed in his face. “Hear that everyone? Chester the molester has spoken.”

Chester just smiled and flipped him two middle fingers.

The greasy bastard Rudy across from me cracked an ugly little smile like he was enjoying the show.

Randy finally chugged his shake like it was poison, but the mood in the room stayed sour.

They herded us straight into the testing room after that. Fifteen chairs sat in a circle. Machines lined the walls and cameras stared down from the ceiling. They strapped us into the chairs one by one. Dr. Roberts went around placing the green and white pills in our mouths like we were fucking baby birds, then chased it with water. I was glad it was pills and not needles. I fucking hate needles.

Then they slapped pads on our chests, wires on our heads, and the machines started beeping all around the room.

At this point I was super fucking nervous. I kept picturing all the horror movies I’d ever seen. I imagined that bald bastard, Waters, running into the room wearing a hockey mask and revving a chainsaw, screaming, “I got you now, fuckers!” My imagination really sucks sometimes.

Stephanie, the cute girl with brown hair, sat on my right. She kept fidgeting, trying to pull at the straps. After a minute she leaned over and whispered, “Hey… I’m Stephanie. You think we’ll be okay?”

“Jake,” I said. “I don’t know. They haven’t told us shit.”

She swallowed hard. “I’m really scared. What if this drug messes me up so bad I go crazy or something? I have a little sister. She’s only twelve. What if something happens to me?”

I tried to think of something that didn’t sound like bullshit. “I used to get scared like that in the casino. Down to my last bit of cash, heart pounding, knowing one more loss and I’d be totally screwed. You know what I did?”

She looked at me, eyes wide. “What?”

“I’d close my eyes and picture the worst thing that could happen. Imagine myself broke, kicked out, owing everybody and all the shit they’d say and do to me. You see? After I faced it in my head, the fear got smaller. Not gone, but smaller. Like I already lived through it. Maybe that could work for you too.”

I didn't bother to mention to her that all that shit I pictured actually came true.
​
Stephanie gave me a small, shaky smile. “Thanks, Jake. That actually helps a little. I’m still terrified though.”

Before I could say anything else, Rudy across from us ripped a series of squeaky farts that echoed through the whole room. Everyone went dead silent.

Randy lost it. “You do this shit when we’re all strapped in? Rudy, when I get out of this chair I’m gonna strangle you, you son-of-bitch shit man!”

Rudy just grunted softly, like he was enjoying the attention. Then another long gas explosion rolled out. A couple of guys groaned. One muttered, “Jesus Christ, man.”

Stephanie leaned closer to me. “That guy creeps me out so much. The way he watches everyone… it’s freaky.”

I nodded. “Yeah, he’s got that serial-killer aura all over him. Just try to ignore him.”

She tried to smile but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Easier said than done when we’re all locked in here together.”

By then I was so wiped out from the night before I couldn’t fight it. My eyes got heavy. I tried to stay awake, but the tiredness won. I nodded off right there in the chair.

Then the nightmare began and I haven’t had a nightmare since I was kid. I can barely remember my dreams anymore, but I’ll never forget this one. I just remember I was running through hallways that looked like this place but all twisted and it was hard to see. I kept slipping and banging my knee on the floor. I got the sense that people were chasing me, but I couldn’t turn around and see them. No matter how fast I ran they stayed right on my ass and it felt like I was going to be dead if they got me.

Then I heard a woman screaming. Not in the nightmare. It sounded like it was actually happening right there in the testing room. A horrifying and intense scream like someone was being dragged off to hell and knew there was no getting out. My face got boiling hot like the sound was burning into my skin. I tried to open my fucking eyes but I couldn't. I was stuck half in the dream and half in the chair, stuck in blackness and unable to move or make any sound. I thought I was trapped and I could feel myself panicking.

Then it just stopped. Everything went dead quiet again.

When I came to, the room was still. Most people were still sleeping or just staring at the ceiling looking dazed. A few were moaning softly like they were stuck in whatever nightmare they’d had. I turned my head to the right.

Stephanie’s chair was empty.

She was just… gone.

The straps were still hanging there, unbuckled, like somebody had taken her out fast and clean while I was asleep. Nobody else seemed to notice. My creepy-as-fuck radar was on high alert and I could feel my blood pressure spiking.

Dr. Waters suddenly stepped out from behind my chair like he’d been standing there the whole time. I jumped hard and let out a stupid little scream before I could stop myself. My heart was pounding so loud I could hear it in my ears.

He started unstrapping me and taking all the wires off without saying a word. I couldn’t hold it in. “Where’s the girl that was next to me? Stephanie?”

He looked down at me with those flat, dead eyes. “She will not be in the trial any longer.”

I blinked, still half out of it. “What do you mean? Is she okay? Where did you take her?”

Dr. Waters didn’t even pause. He just turned and started walking away like I wasn’t even there. “She will not be in the trial any longer,” he said again, same dull tone, like I was too fucking slow to get it the first time.

The way he said it made the hair on my arms stand up. Like Stephanie wasn’t just gone from the room, but maybe something bad had happened to her, which my mind is having a hard time processing. Was that screaming I heard Stephanie?

The worst part is, nobody else even looked over, or noticed, or cared.

The rest of the day dragged. We sat in the common room pretending everything was just peachy fucking keen. Randy and Emily were already deep in conversation, leaning in close, laughing about something like the rest of us weren’t even there. A couple guys had a card game going in the corner, tossing crumpled pieces of paper in for bets. For half a second I thought about sitting down. It would’ve been easy money. I could’ve cleaned those idiots out without even trying.

But I didn’t move. My body felt like it weighed a thousand pounds, and the truth was I couldn’t stop thinking about my nightmare or Stephanie. She was just gone. Nobody else seemed to give a shit. Not one person had mentioned her name since we left the white room. It was like she never existed. The thought made my stomach turn, and suddenly the idea of laughing and betting fake money felt fucking wrong. So I just sat there, staring at the floor, too tired and too uneasy to do anything else.

I took a shower and came back out for dinner. Luckily it was real food this time. Nothing fancy, but it beat the protein-shake bullshit from the morning. A few people ate fast and headed straight to their rooms. I’m still not familiar with a lot of the people in here so I sat alone and didn’t talk to anyone.

I was picking at my plate when a black woman with bright pink hair sat down across from me.

“Hey,” she said quietly. “I’m Lynette.”

“Jake,” I said, nodding.

She looked around to make sure no one was listening, then leaned in. “Don’t it feel strange to you that none of these people in here care that young brown-haired girl is gone? Ain’t nobody talking about it.”

“Yeah,” I said. “They either don't give a shit or maybe they didn't realize she was ever here.”

Lynette rubbed her arms. “Exactly. That’s what scares me. It’s like they don’t want to remember. Or they can’t. Could be one of us next. What if we just disappear and nobody asks any damn questions?”

I didn’t have an answer. I just stared at my plate. The chicken tasted like cardboard.

Lynette’s big brown eyes widened and she stared hard at me for a second, then shook her head slow. “We done got ourselves into some serious shit here, Jake,” she said quietly.

Then she stood up and walked away, leaving me sitting there alone with those words hanging in the air.

I’m back in my room now, completely fucking drained. My fingers are barely working on this keyboard. Nothing super extraordinary happened to me during the dose except that nightmare and the screaming. Maybe I got the dummy pill.

Still… Stephanie vanished.

I keep seeing her scared face in that chair. The way her hands shook when she asked if we’d be okay.
What the hell happened to her?

I hope tomorrow is better.

But something deep in my gut tells me it won’t be.
​
—Jake

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