Finally, I get to sit down and write today. It’s been a long but great day so far. I’m here in the lounge where everyone else is, with exception Rudy. Most people are talking quietly or just spaced out. We had a busy morning doing some mandatory physical fitness. My body is a little worn out right now. Of all the fucking times for the Doctors to force exercise on us, it had to be today. As a reminder, I’ve been up since 7am yesterday morning, and it is now, 5:37 pm according to this uni-functional laptop. I say that because the only function it allows; is writing. No Facebook, no Twitter and definitely no solitaire which sucks. It’s not like I’m going to hog the one deck of cards in the place just to play a few rounds.
First, I gotta say… I read what I wrote last night and I’m a little baffled. Baffled man. How I was able to do that shit is beyond me at this point. I’m also really weirded out by the fact that I can write like a smart person when I’m describing things now. I don’t want my stupid diary to sound like some female romance novel or anything. I prefer my old guttural street talk of fucks and shits and who fuckin cares attitude as opposed to the flowery shit I wrote last night. Then again… it feels good to say what I feel, the right way. I don’t know, my head is all weird as fuck lately. So, I guess I’ll just say, FUCK, SHIT, and BALLS, nice and loud to make up for the pretentious shit. I have been reading books though, so maybe that shit is rubbing off on me. Whatever, moving on.
Everyone except for Rudy, ran laps in the courtyard today. Rudy chose to pace behind us in a sluggishly discontent “I hate people” fashion since he’s in terrible shape and… nobody likes him. It was nice except for the daggers I could feel in my back from his spiteful stare. I really believe that I fucked up his “Murder Emily” plans last night and totally fucking hates me for it. Whatever bro… come at me.
Thankfully it’s gotten warmer out and had to have been 50 degrees or so. I jogged with Jeff, Lynette, and Emily and of course the asshole squad stuck together like a pack of ill-tempered dogs. We were all a little fixated on weirdo Ben who just turned circles in the center of the courtyard meowing like a kitten at the sky. Sigh… Despite my lack of sleep, it was great for my morale. The air was refreshing, and my body felt completely rejuvenated and energized afterward.
Lynette didn’t have a lot to say, but her overall tone is definitely better. She mostly said that she's worried about her kids and hoped the experiment would be over soon. I tried to console her by reminding her of the money, and I can see it helped a little. She lightened up quite a bit after that and even laughed at a few of my jokes. The old black woman also detected a little spark between Emily and me. I guess our affections for each other are a little obvious now. This morning, when Emily woke up, she found me outside her room in the chair and put her hand on my cheek. I looked up and smiled, and she smiled back with a brightness in her eyes that beamed straight from her heart. As she walked away towards the bathroom, I sensed warm currents of passion flowing through my body with a force unfelt since my first crush in middle school, Sarah Summers… oh did she break my heart. As far as Emily, I’m not sure what to make of it to be honest.
The Emily of today, is not the Emily we all knew just a week ago or even two days ago. Underneath all the layers of the illusory front she’d created, lies a very thoughtful and kind woman. Last night, we somehow destroyed the façade and returned Emily’s true self to the world. Today, we talked about Randy, whom she liked because out of all of us; Randy was the only one who was nice to her in the beginning. Plus, they had that “bitch harmony” thing going. Emily confessed to me that she is feeling light years better since our experience last night. I in turn swore to her, that no matter what, I’ll be here for her to protect her and help her any way I can. When I told her that, I could see the love she was feeling for me in her eyes. How did this happen? It’s crazy when I think that I, Jack McCoy, rescued another human being from their own personal hell. I don’t know exactly how I’ve done it, but it is done, and things are looking on the up.
I also had a little chat with Jeff about what we were going to do about getting out of this place. We have a plan to infiltrate the asshole squad because between us, there’s a hunch they may have a plan. Unfortunately, they don’t seem to like the rest of us too much, I don’t know why. So, Jeff and I are going to appear to have a disagreement in front of them, and he’s going to work his way into their group and figure out what they’re up to. I don’t know why I need to know so badly, but I sense they are up to something, and my curiosity is killing me. I just hope they accept Jeff within their circle. He’s so burnt out and harmless that it could go either way, and I feel like they’ll take him because he’s not a threat.
All in all, it was a great time in the courtyard today.
We all came back and took showers, with the exception of Mr. Rudy, who went straight to his room soaked in sweat and shaking from the exertion. For lunch today, there was a special surprise waiting for us, tuna wraps and potato chips. Randy would have been so happy. We still had to drink water, but I won’t complain because it was fucking great. The doctors must really have felt bad for all the shit we’ve been going through and decided to perk us up a little. There wasn’t a single face in the whole place that didn’t have a smile as we each sat to eat. The main plus to it all was the absence of Rudy’s smell since he didn’t bother to come out of his little hole. Emily and I ate together and talked all afternoon about what happened last night and where the future goes once we get out of the experiment. I can’t stop thinking about her man... Jeff just shot me this big grin like, “way to go dude” the whole time we were eating. He even commented that she was different now and he liked the new her. Two guys from the asshole squad gave me the dirtiest looks, Mr. Car salesman guy and another man who looks like a mechanic or construction guy or something. I guess I can’t blame them; she is pretty much the only eye-catching girl in the lab.
Dr. Nelson wasn’t present at lunch, I guess he left the lab right after this morning’s dosages and Dr. Waters is now in charge. It’s a little strange really, Dr. Waters and Dr. Roberts took the time to talk with me today. They usually never talk to any of us. They cornered me when I was eating my tuna wrap and asked me how things are going and was there anything I wanted to talk to them about. I just wanted to eat my wrap and talk to Emily, but I humored them and told them I was doing fine and that I felt superb. I confessed that I was still upset about Randy and that it was a tragic thing to happen. They both nodded and agreed. I asked them a few questions of my own, and it didn’t go too well, it went exactly like this:
“So how much longer are we going to be here?” I asked
“You want to leave already?” Dr. Roberts asked back.
“Yeah, don’t you think it’s been a little too crazy? Not to mention, I need to pay my rent ASAP, when can I do that?” I wanted to know.
“You’ll need to speak with Dr. Nelson,” they both said in unison.
“Where is he?”
“He’ll be back soon,” Dr. Waters said as he looked around the room like he was bored.
“Back from where?” I asked kind of pissy because I knew where this was going to lead.
“From where he is, Jack,” Dr. Waters returned like he was some riddle-master fuck.
“Okay… So what are you going to do about Rudy?” I said changing the subject.
“Rudy is part of the trial. Why does he concern you?” Dr. Waters asked with a little bit of snip.
“He’s dangerous,” I warned.
“Thank you for your input,” Dr. Waters said again, this time looking at Dr. Roberts with a face that said, “fucking loser thinks he knows more than we do” all over it.
“You should enjoy the rest of your lunch, we’ll alert Dr. Nelson of your rent concerns,” Said Dr. Roberts.
“If he’s been reading my journal, he already knows…” I said holding in my irritation.
“Enjoy your lunch, Jack,” Dr. Roberts said as the both men turned away from me.
Then they both walked out of the common room and I heard them snicker a little as they disappeared.
This is the shit I deal with. We are being treated as if we’re prisoners and as if we don’t deserve any respect. I could honestly walk away from this place today, pay my rent and then somehow work out payments to my bookie. Ever since Randy killed himself, Ben losing his mind, and the ever-present threat of Rudy to Emily, I’ve lost my desire to be here. It’s a horribly trapped feeling. I think if I could get out of here now, then I could make an honest attempt to set thing straight in my life. I don’t even feel a huge push to gamble anymore, or smoke for that matter. I think I’m actually all done with the smoking now that I contemplate the idea. Wow. That’s just fucking crazy man. Plus, I’d really like to see what can happen between Emily and me if we’re out there in real life together. I wonder if we could talk to her parents and get them to all kiss and make up. She comes from big money, and not to sound like a greedy prick or anything, but that kind of money could make a whole new life for me and for us.
There’s also the effects of Formula 35C. I can feel them. I can feel myself becoming more in tune with everything around me. My mind is like a perfectly oiled machine now. It takes almost no effort for me to pose and resolve problems or imagine things with perfect HD resolution in my mind. I’ve also kind of discovered some psychic potential. For instance, I looked at the Tuna Wrap they gave me for lunch today and in one split second, I saw a million years of existence unfold.
Let me try to explain it for you because I know how crazy it sounds and frankly, it might just all be my imagination playing tricks on me, but it’s deep on a level I’m not fully adjusted to yet. So, to start, I may have mentioned that there is a bookshelf filled with books in this place, and I’ve been reading them lately. Mainly because of boredom, but also because the things that I’ve seen have really confused me some -to say the least- and so I took the chance to read a couple of science books. Physics books that made no sense to me until recently have become my favorites. The electronics books as well. Anyway, here goes.
According to the books, all matter and energy are composed of atoms and matter itself, is only solidified energy. Atoms are a sort of building block for reality and even within the atoms are electrons and protons that have their own special behaviors. For instance, in this one little tuna wrap alone, there are quintillions upon sextillions of atoms. Probably a lot more actually. All of these microscopic little dots have been traveling through space and time for as long as energy and matter have existed. Therefore, everything in existence has an almost infinite history of motion and interaction. The physical body that I’m wearing right now is composed from atoms that have seen the farthest reaches of our universe and possibly date back to the death of trillion-year-old stars. As a matter of fact, even the atomic history of that little tuna wrap would boggle your mind and cost you over 100 million years of study at a thinking speed traveling faster than the speed of light, to fully comprehend.
Let me expand on this. Every singular atom that makes up the tuna wrap has a unique timeline of experience. In just one pinky-sized portion of the fish alone, there are atoms in it that have been part of the structures of meteors, mountains, and dinosaurs. Some of the atoms have formed the structure of the daggers that thrust into the hearts of Roman slaves. Another portion of these atoms could have been a backbone to strains of bacteria such as those that withered the flesh off of Europe during the Black Plague.
And most recently, these collective atoms have journeyed a trillion miles of briny ocean before giving structure to the tuna fish caught inside the fisherman’s net just a few weeks ago. Now, they are in my hands, forming up the structure of this tuna wrap and going into my body, where some will reside with me, and some will pass through.
I’m telling you that in but an instant, I can understand the nature and buildup of this Tuna Wrap and the history it represents. Have you ever heard of those psychics that would work for the police and who went around touching things and getting glimpses into an objects past? The psychics pick up the murder weapon, a bloody knife, and they get flashing images of the person who wielded it or who was stabbed by it and so forth? It’s like that for me now. If I were to concentrate on an object, I could get an idea of what’s happened to the object and possibly everything before.
It frightens me.
I don’t know how much stronger it will get, but I’m starting to understand why Randy might have gone insane. I think about his last words to me, “We’re all blind. It’s all lies.” What did he see? Whatever the case, I am hoping to speak with Dr. Nelson later this evening to figure it out. I hope you will talk to me about this Doctor. I need to. Ben is on Formula 35C but isn’t going to be any help to me, he’s losing his mind and I am not talking to that stupid fuck Rudy. As far as I know it’s those two and myself that are on the Formula.
Oh shit, speaking of Ben, right now he is screaming out in his puberty challenged voice trying to gather everyone’s attention. Hold on.
He wants to do a stand-up routine for us, this ought to be good. I'm surprised, this is as sane as I’ve seen him for a week.
Fuck, I smell Rudy, he’s in his chair next to the couch I’m sitting on. I thought he might stay in his room tonight because of the workout this morning.
Emily is now sitting next to me with her hand on my leg, and everyone else in the room is turning their attention to Ben. He’s standing in front of the door that leads into the testing room waiting for everyone to get comfortable. God, I wish I had a video camera, so I wouldn’t have to type all this out. I’ll do my best, I hope he’s funny.
He’s staring at us, with a funny smile now, eagerly awaiting. God, he looks like he’s fifteen years old. Okay, here he goes, I’ll try to keep up.
“Ladies and Gentlemen… and Rudy.”
lol good one. Rudy’s not laughing though.
“I was having lunch yesterday, something appetizing, and something different, you know… a protein shake.”
People are chuckling, this is strange, and he's actually funny.
“Anyway, I was drinking the shake, and I was thinking to myself, what am I going to do today? Should I read a book, or… should I go to sleep? Because we have so many options in here you know?”
lol People are laughing. He’s pausing.
“Then I thought, what the hell am I doing here?” he asks and now he looks serious.
“I mean; what kind of a person do you have to be to WILLINGLY… be a lab rat? I mean, is it the money?”
His voice is shaky.
“Maybe we should ask Randy…”
Oh shit, I don’t know where this is going now.
“Oh wait… Randy is fucking dead!”
I’m going to punch this fucking kid in the head.
“But WAIT! There’s more! We’re all going to be; we’re all going to be-”
He’s rubbing his head, kind of like Randy was before he killed himself. I might have to stop this.
“We’re all going to be FUCKING DEAD TOO!” he screams.
Rudy is laughing. I need to stop this. He doesn’t look right.
Shit, Dr. Nelson just walked in, and he’s got company.
Ben looks wrong right now and Emily just ran to him to hold him up.
Dr. Nelson just called my name. What the fuck is going on right now? Who are these two suits that are with him? He’s telling me I am going somewhere tonight. Fuck that. No, I can’t go anywhere.
Fuck! I think Ben is having a bad seizure, I have to go help…. brb
* * * * *
Awww, poor Jack had to leave :( And they didn't let him take his laptop.
Don’t worry Jack,
I will watch Emily for you tonight. :)
RuDy :) :) :)