Chapter 17: Awakenings

It's a dark and lonely 3:39 am, and here I am, camped out in the hallway just outside Emily's room. Emily rests within, lost in a deep sleep, perhaps the most peaceful she's had in years. Dr. Nelson, I'm bursting with an extraordinary revelation to share tonight, an event that transpired earlier. I'll do my best to recount it, but I assure you, it's beyond belief.

For now, it's a quiet scene, just me and the ambience of a nighttime building and that annoying tick of the radiator knocking at the pipes above.

Lynette got up at around midnight to take a piss. She gave me a groggy stink-eye and asked, "Why the fuck am I up this late out here?" So, I spill my thoughts about Rudy, and she just rolls her eyes and mumbles, "I’m too old for this shit, man," before wandering off to the bathroom.

As for me, I'm wide awake, and not one bit drowsy. Looks like I'll be pulling an all-nighter. It's got me thinking, though, about how insane my life's gone in just a week. I mean, I went from worrying over my money at Gamblers Anonymous to guarding a gal in some top-secret lab, fearful that she might get offed while she sleeps.

How things have changed… the very concept of “reality” is different for me now in ways that I can’t accurately describe. The 35C pumping in my veins has opened parts of my mind that were previously unreachable and has changed my entire perspective about the nature of things.

It appears I've acquired a set of new abilities that have empowered me to perform extraordinary feats and perceive situations in a manner that enables understanding and control. As my first example, I'd like to explain to you esteemed doctors how I've managed to facilitate my own psychological healing. Please take notes.

Throughout my entire life, I've clung onto an immense burden of emotional baggage. In my view, this is a shared human experience. We all tend to carry around this aching and cumbersome weight that drags us down. It begins as we transition from childhood to adulthood, when we often feel disillusioned because we once believed life would forever be a magical fairy tale, right? Then reality hits, and it shatters our rosy perceptions. Ever since I lost that feeling of innocence and that sense of wonder, I've existed in a hum drum state of frustration, burdened by a toxic mass of anxiety, resentments and regrets. I've lugged these emotional loads with me into adulthood like a burlap sack packed with melancholy cinder blocks. It's something I've learned to endure, as we all must in our own ways, but it hasn't changed how profoundly angry I've been.

What I've discovered tonight is that our minds are equipped with a two-fold survival mechanism, one which allows us to endure an extraordinary amount of pain, and the other, the ability to consciously dismantle that pain. Remarkably, we can achieve this by focusing on the mental images of our conscious and subconscious mind and repeatedly re-experience them until they lose power and become just a memory. It's akin to watching a movie multiple times: the first viewing amazes you, with high emotions, but each subsequent viewing diminishes the impact until you're no longer stimulated or emotionally charged by it. This is my current hypothesis, and of course, the Formula 35C I possess is a variable that sets me apart from others.

Allow me to elaborate further... I've been seated here for hours, delving deep into my mind, revisiting all the things that have infuriated me, all the trauma, heartbreaks et al, replaying them repeatedly, and subsequently purging myself of the pain, shame, and regrets they carried. I've been confronting all the sources of pain, anger and victimhood in my life and reducing their power to mere insignificance. Illnesses, accidents, the painful emotion of my dog dying have all been discharged. My mother, a depressive alcoholic who couldn't provide proper care; I'm transcending that. My father, a convicted murderer who never offered me anything; I'm leaving that behind too. Society's labeling me as a failure; I can alter that perception. While I may not have achieved much in my life thus far, there's still life ahead of me. Billy Sanders bullied me in the third grade; forget Billy, the fights, and the past. Do you see the path I'm taking here? I'm liberating myself, and as the weight lifts from my shoulders, my determination and happiness surge back with incredible force.

You might find it intriguing, Dr. Nelson, that our minds continue to absorb information even when we're unconscious, much like they do when we're awake. These absorbed details can function as subtle hypnotic suggestions in our waking moments. I had an interesting experience during a root canal procedure while under anesthesia. While I was unconscious, the dentist chatted with his assistant about misplacing his keys that morning. Harmless, one might think. However, I noticed tonight an unusual pattern. Whenever I couldn't find my keys, I'd develop a toothache. Conversely, if I had a toothache, an irrational concern about my keys being lost would nag at me, even though they were safely in my front pocket. It's as if I was unknowingly following a hypnotic command—a truly remarkable phenomenon.

This is just the beginning of an incredible journey. My clarity of thought and the ease with which ideas flow through me have reached unprecedented levels. I find it astonishing that I've never been able to perform this act of mental self-healing before – to delve into my own mind, confront my pain, and simply tell it to take a hike. Picture a world where we could all do this - therapists across the globe would be searching for alternative professions. But let's be blunt; I didn't possess this skill until I learned to perceive it. In the past, I'd bury my issues, and whenever I attempted to confront them, I'd become inundated by the emotional intensity, prompting me to either evade or, in numerous instances, numb it with alcohol or gambling.

Now, let me expand on what I meant earlier when I said that something truly amazing happened.

About an hour ago, Emily woke up, and after a few moments, I could hear her sobbing. I decided to step into her dark room to check on her. My sudden appearance startled her, sending her into a panic, and she hastily turned on the lamp. Here's where things take a sharp turn into the land of the supernatural. I heard the click of the light switch, but the room remained dark. As I stood there, assuming the bulb had gone out, I observed what can only be described as countless trillions of glittering particles emanating from where the bulb should be. These bits slowly filled the room with light, inch by inch, moving in what seemed like slow-motion and high-definition detail. It was akin to witnessing a 3D puzzle assembling itself piece by piece throughout the room. I'm still having a hard time believing it actually happened. Is it possible that I can perceive events faster than the speed of light? I don't know, but it was utterly astonishing. I'm starting to worry if the water I’ve been drinking is spiked with LSD.

As the room fully illuminated, Emily's eyes were fixed on me, wide and unblinking, almost as if she were drawing me in with some kind of magnetic force. Uncertain of what to do, I knelt down beside her bed and gently took her trembling hand. At first, she instinctively pulled away, but I maintained my gentle hold and locked eyes with her. It was as if an irresistible urge compelled me to connect with her on a profound level, much like I had done with my own mind earlier. I couldn't explain this inexplicable urge, but I obeyed it nonetheless. I fixed my gaze intently into her eyes, immersing myself in the depths of her golden-brown irises. It felt akin to peering into a crystal ball, waiting for the white mists to swirl and unveil hidden imagery.

And then it actually fucking happened! Somehow, I was able to plug into her thoughts and I discovered some hidden things about her. What transpired next felt like a dream, it was the same feeling I got after being dosed each morning. I was inside her mind and staring back at me was a scared little girl, isolated within her own turbulent world, suffering from the harsh realities of her life. I could see that cold, distant persona we've come to associate with her isn't the real Emily at all. It's a self-made defense mechanism, a construct designed to ensure no one could ever hurt her again. Her life had been filled with neglect, confusion, and, most painfully, an abundance of remorse.

Images with full 3D motion and sounds flickered before my eyes, each one unveiling a fragment of her traumatic experiences: a little boy floating lifelessly in a pool, a jeering and envious mother, a father who always turned his back, cruel schoolgirls taunting her, a broken heart, and wrists stained with blood. Emily had endured an overwhelming amount of chaos within her. What I saw, and felt, was a girl who had cast aside her true identity, like so many others, and let it fade into oblivion. But right in that moment earlier tonight, she was there again because I had witnessed her true self. I had seen Emily.

In some inexplicable way, she perceived that I knew. She understood that I viewed the withheld accounts of her life. It’s as if she had let me in and needed me to see it. That feeling one gets when they finally unburden their soul, or confess to a crime was felt by both of us. A release of guilt, shame and weight ensued from her. Afterwards, her eyes softened, and they sparkled with a newfound hope I hadn't seen before. I was elated, and still am. We were suddenly like two tuning forks resonating at the same frequency. We seemed to exist in a realm where time held no sway, and the powerful essence of her truth was finally unburdened.

Honestly, I think it was the only real thing either of us had ever experienced. She gently squeezed my hand and let out a deep yawn, as though she were releasing the weight of a thousand burdens from her mind. I drew closer to her, intoxicated by her natural scent, and kissed her forehead. I couldn't find the right words to capture the depth of our shared experience, so I whispered, "It will be okay," as gently as I could. The healed girl radiated what can only be described as “gratitude” towards me as she rested her head on the pillow, finally at peace. I turned off the light and returned to my seat.

Tonight, has been an enlightening journey beyond anything I ever imagined in my life. Perhaps this is what Formula 35C was meant to do for Randy, Ben, Stephanie, Amanda, Chuck, Chester, and Michael. Yet, somehow, it seems to work only for me. Why me?

I hear something…

Oh, shit, I knew it. Rudy just stepped out of his room. The guy's shirtless and in sweatpants, looking like he’s been sleeping in a grease sauna. And the stench – it's like something crawled into him and died. There's also this nasty, blackish haze floating around him, making his already ghastly figure even worse. He's giving me the evil eye, too. Wait... he's about to say something. I'll type and chat at the same time.

"What are you doing out here, Jack?"

"I'm just keeping an eye on the hallway," I reply.

He smirks, and it's not a friendly one. "Vigilant, huh?"

Then, he hits me with this unsettling question, his eyes glinting with something that looks like rage. "So, Jack, are you watching the hallway or keeping tabs on Emily?"

I've had enough of this. "Just move along, Rudy."

But no, he keeps on staring at me, making it super awkward. He doesn't seem to get the message.

Still staring...

"For real, man, go," I finally snap, trying to get my point across.

Reluctantly, he shuffles off towards the bathroom.  Time to close my laptop and prepare to keep watch. Catch you later.

​-Jack

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