Entry Eight: Down the Rabbit Hole

It's now 3:39 am, and I am situated here in the hallway just outside of Emily’s little room. She’s restfully sleeping in there and so far the only person I’ve seen get up is Lynette. She kind of looked at me funny and asked me what the fuck I was doing up so late in the hall. I gave her my take on Rudy and she just rolled her eyes at me. “Too old for this damn shit man,” she said and continued to the bathroom.

 I haven’t slept yet, and I dare not to. I don’t feel tired at all anyway, and I’ll probably be awake until everyone else gets up in a few hours. I’m almost certainly not going to be getting any sleep for a while unless I can sneak a nap in tomorrow after the dose. It makes me stop and think just how strange my life has become in only the last seven days. How did I go from sitting at Gamblers Anonymous worried about money, to sitting in some secret laboratory and standing watch over a girl because she might get murdered in her sleep? Life is a motherfucker man…

 It’s peacefully silent in here for a change, and I like it. For the first time since I’ve been here I feel as though everything is sort of okay or is going to be okay. Well, at least I have the luxury of such an illusion at this time. The very concept of “reality” is changed for me now in ways that I can’t accurately describe. The 35C pumping in my veins has opened parts of my mind that were hitherto unreachable and has changed my entire perspective about the nature of things.

 It has given me the power to do, or see… some really wild shit man, but we’ll get to that in a minute. For now, I’d like to explain to you good doctors how I’m kind of able to heal myself, psychologically. Take notes.

 All my life I’ve been holding onto a shit ton of baggage. It's my opinion that we humans all tend to do this. We all walk around with this awful and cumbersome weight dragging us down and as we transition from child to adult, we often feel cheated because we thought life would always be magical for us, right? Then we discovered that living was not some magical fucking fairy-tale and it broke our hearts.

Ever since I lost my magic and innocence, I have existed in a boring state of exasperation born from a countless sum of resentments and regrets. I’ve carried these things around on my back my entire adult life, like a dirty burlap sack chock-full of somber and bleeding bricks. It’s something I’ve learned to tolerate, like we all must learn eventually but it doesn’t change how fucking pissed I’ve been. There seems to be a survival mechanism built within our minds that allows us to endure a great deal of pain. I suppose Randy lost that part of his mind because the drugs had major side effects. What a terrible and twisted irony it all is though right? That the older we get, the unhappier we are. Of course, none of this is to say that there are no unhappy children or that there aren’t any happy adults, it’s just a statement about my life. A life I have been the victim of for too long, until tonight.
 
I’ve been sitting here for hours and letting all the pain, shame, and regrets out of my system. I’ve been confronting all the shit that I’ve been pissed about or “victimized” from and letting it the fuck go… My mother is a depressed drunk and didn’t take care of me right; I’m over it. My father is a locked-up murderer that never did shit for me; I’m over it. I am a loser in the eyes of society; I can change that shit. I’ve done nothing good with my life; there’s life in me still. Billy Sanders stole my lunch money in 3rd grade; Fuck Billy, fuck school lunches and fuck the past. Do you see where I’m going here? I’m freeing myself, and as the weight lifts off my back, my determination and happiness returns with force.

Yet, this is only the beginning, I think. I am seeing more clearly now than ever before. Thoughts and ideas come so easily to me now and I’m able to compute at a much higher level than ever before.  I’m surprised I’ve never been able to do this to myself; go into my mind and bitch slap all the pain away simply by looking at it and telling it to fuck off…  If we all could do it, we’d all be happy and sane, wouldn’t we? Therapists, the world over, would be looking for new jobs, but fuck them. They’re just a bunch of drug dealers anyway. Well most of them anyway. Speaking of drugs, this formula 35C has opened some pretty incredible abilities for me.

 Remember earlier I said I could do and see wild ass shit? Let me explain…
 
An hour ago, Emily woke up, and after a few minutes I could hear her sobbing. So, I snuck into her little lightless room to check on her. My presence startled the girl, sending her into an immediate state of panic, and she quickly turned on the lamp. This is where it gets really fucking weird… I heard the click of the switch, but the room was still dark and as I stood there wondering if the bulb had burnt out I then observed what looked to be endless trillions of glittering light particles travel from where the lamp was sitting and flow outwardly into the air and slowly light up the room inch by inch. Usually, light just appears at the click of a switch and the room is wholly lit at least that’s how I always fucking saw it. Though, what I actually saw tonight was the glowing light travel in slow motion and in Ultra High Definition. It was like watching a 3D jigsaw puzzle form itself piece by piece all through the room. I still can’t believe it actually happened. Is it possible that I can perceive faster than the speed of light? I don't know, but it was fucking amazing. I'm concerned now though, and I really hope that I wasn’t spiked with any LSD in my shake tonight.

Anyway, when the room fully lit up, Emily’s eyes were staring wide and unblinking at me like a deer caught in headlights, almost seeming to pull me in like a tractor beam. I didn’t know what the fuck to do so I knelt down in front of her bed and gently took hold of her shaking hand. She pulled away, but I kept my grip and stared directly into her. I then got this compulsion to just confront her, totally and completely. So I stared right into her eyes and I shifted my consciousness into her golden-brown orbs and kind of like… swam into them. When I did that, I discovered the real deal behind them. What happened next was like a dream, and actually, I thought I was dreaming, like a lucid dream where you’re dreaming, but you’re awake in the dream and can control it. I seemed to "get into her head" I guess you could call it and I discovered who this girl really is. I found, amidst a black mass of confusion, a lost soul, all alone inside her terrible little hectic world, and I realized that she suffered from the same affliction of life that I had, but worse. It turns out, that “bitch” we all hate isn’t Emily at all, that bitch, is a "creation" by Emily to make sure no one could ever hurt her again. She’d endured a life of neglect, pain, confusion and most painfully, a life of regret.

I saw many flashing images of her experiences and came to understand that she carried a dreadful amount of chaos inside of her. Images appeared and disappeared such as a little boy floating in a pool face down, a heckling and jealous mother, a father always with his back turned, wicked taunting school girls, a broken heart, and bloody slashed wrists. Emily had suffered, and she’d weaved a persona that she knew would push others away to protect her heart’s vulnerability. Her real identity and true self, like so many others had been castaway and forgotten into oblivion, but she is silent no more because I have seen her…  I have seen Emily.

Somehow, she perceived that I was truly and spiritually there with her. Her eyes softened and they gleamed with a strange light I hadn’t seen in her before. I was elated too, still am. We both were in this weird fucking harmony like two tuning forks vibrating at the same frequency and we kind of sat there in a place where time didn’t exist, and that powerful thing called “truth” was finally free . It was the only real thing that either of us have ever felt. She squeezed my hand and released a long-awaited sigh of relief into the small room. I drew in close to her, at once becoming intoxicated by her sweet natural scent and kissed her. I don’t know why, but I just felt I had to. I wasn’t sure what words could compare to the experience we both had just felt, so I whispered, “It will be okay,” as gently as I could. The healed girl beamed at me as she rested her head onto the pillow and then softly glided into a tranquil slumber. Her appearance serene at last. I turned off the light and resumed my spot back here in the chair.

This has been a truly enlightening night and beyond anything I thought I’d ever experience in my life. Perhaps this is what Formula 35C was supposed to do for Randy, Ben, Stephanie, Beth and Michael, but somehow, it’s only worked with me. Why me?

Why does

Oh shit

Rudy just came out of his room. The fat bastard is shirtless and wearing sweatpants. He reeks of dead maggots and I can see a cloud of blackened and diseased air circling around his saggy, ghoulish frame. The bastard is glaring at me with such enmity. Wait… Now he’s talking to me; I’ll type and chat with him at the same time.

“What are you doing out here Jack?”
    
"I’m guarding the hallway.”

He’s looking back and forth to both ends of the hall. "Guarding it against what?”

“You never know Rudy, it’s been crazy in here lately right?”

He’s shitting a grin at me which speaks pure evil.

“You watching the hallway Jack or are you watching... Emily?”

He’s asking me with eyes that are glinting in what looks like fury.

“Move along Rudy.”

Now the smelly fuck is staring at me awkwardly.

Still staring…

“Go.” The fucking guy won’t get the hint.

Now he’s headed to the bathroom. I need to put this laptop up and stand watch.

Talk to you later.
​
 -Jack